I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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