listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
