The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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