what day is it and did you see me today?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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