My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
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Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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