If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
