Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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