what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
