just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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