a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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