is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
