So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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