so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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