You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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