Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
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