you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
