Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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