Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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