i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
