I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sext me about skeletons
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
