Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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