Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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