Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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