He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
