peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
