he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
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Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
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You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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