i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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