I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
