Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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