my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
