Betty ford says i'm here all night
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
