Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
someone threw a dead crab at me
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
