i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Boobs speak an international language.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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