The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My balls are so social today.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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