drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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