I got chris browned last night
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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