I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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