you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
