I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
