I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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