i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
