Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
