My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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