well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
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