I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
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Actions speak louder than pants.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
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We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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