tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
