you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
