so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
