not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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