I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
