Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
