How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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