I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
