My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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