Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?