Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
3pm strippers are depressing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
